Profound thoughts, personal feelings, and what ever else strikes me as I traverse life's meandering path.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Portland: Life on this side of the Pacific

Pretty Historic-looking building
One of Portland's many bridges

Sunset reflected on a building
Fun with my friend Amanda
Live outdoor theater- Shakespeare
Nate, Brittany, Me and my sister, Becca, having fun
Portland's Aerial 



The Central Library
Flicks on the Bricks- watching a movie at the square


Fun picnics

View of Portland from the tram
Powell's City of Books - Elephant and Piggie!



Cool old Theater
Central Station Train Station
Eastbank Esplanade- river walkway

The Waffle Window- delicious waffles
Waffles with odd toppings
Street statue/performer






The Journey Continues

I have kind of fallen of the face of the earth.  It has felt that way at any rate.  I wanted to update you all on my present life and share a little bit of my journey with you:

Since being back from Japan I haven't been able to find a job.  I didn't think it would be too hard to find a job.  I wasn't looking for anything superb, just a job to pay the bills.  I figured I could look for a more permanent job while working a job I didn't really care about.  But I didn't find one.  Even after working up my resume and all that rigmarole.  

I thought I'd try for unemployment.  But after a lengthy process, I was declined those benefits as well.  

I joined a temp agency hoping they would have something for me, but I wasn't getting very much work through them either.  

I was starting to get rather desperate, since technically I hadn't worked since March.  I had been sure I would be able to find something by now.  And I was getting depressed about it all.  Work is integral to our natures (we have worked since the Garden of Eden).  And not having work can have a dehumanizing effect upon one's spirit.   

But as I was sharing with a friend of mine I realized that in my pride I felt entitled to a job.  I felt like it was my human right to have a job.  With all the jobless people out there, I can hardly claim having a job as an unalienable human right, but I wasn't just anyone.  I should have a job.  

Then I was reminded of a truth that I was reacquainted with through my church in Japan.  It is an old truth, but I'd never really fully embraced it before: I deserve hell.  God would be perfectly justified in condemning me to eternal damnation.

Therefore anything that I receive that isn't hell, is a gift of God's grace.  I have eternal life through Christ Jesus.  I have food to eat, clothes to wear, a warm house to shelter in and people who love me.  I am extraordinarily blessed.  

And then I was reminded of another truth while in church here: God has promised to be my provider.  He will take care of my needs.  To me that meant a job, but God didn't promise me a job, he promised to take care of my needs, and that could happen in numerous ways.  I am not creative enough to imagine all the ways he may choose to take care of me.   

I needed to experience some difficulties to prepare my heart to be open.  My proud and stubborn heart have to be brought painfully low before I can be open to seeing and receiving from the Lord.  I needed the lack of financial security to make me realize I was not trusting my loving Savior.  I needed to be reminded of how much I really have in order to see and appreciate all the blessings he's giving me.

And since my heart has been humbled of its pride, the Lord has been showing me his faithful provision.  I have started getting regular work at the temp agency.  People through church have offered to help me with my resume and job search.  Random people have given me free bus passes.  A long-time family friend sent me and my sister money because the Lord laid us on her heart through a dream.  It's so hard to trust him with financial matters, but he is ever faithful.

I'm sure there are even more instances that I can't even think of, and I am certain that there will be more in he future.  I pray that I will have the humility and tenderness to remain open to what the Lord is doing and grateful for all the blessings.

May the Lord continue to bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you and grant you peace

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Every "hello" is inevitably followed by a "goodbye"

I immensely enjoyed and appreciated my life and time in Okinawa, Japan over the past nearly 3 years.  I was blessed to love and be loved by some amazing people.  And I felt at home among people and places I knew.
 But in the beginning of April 2013 the time came for me to go
and I said goodbye.

Then I got to see my parents briefly

and then said goodbye.

Then I got to see some of my closest friends, Jen and Jon Newsham 
and meet their daughter Olivia
and then said goodbye.

Then I traveled to Africa and visited my brother and sister-in-law
and reacquainted myself with my sweet nephews
and made some new friends
and then said goodbye.

Then I went to a mission leadership conference and reconnected with some old friends
and made some new friends
and then said goodbye.

No wonder I am emotionally reeling.  My initial loss and grief of saying goodbye to people and places close to my heart has been compounded 4 times over.

No wonder I suddenly feel like bursting into tears at times.  No wonder I feel somewhat reluctant to reconnect with people around me.  No wonder I feel so drained.  

I truly am happy for all the time I've had visiting people whom I dearly love.  And I am happy to be in Portland and reconnect with friends and family.  

It is true that I am happy.  And it is true that I am sad.  But in order to fully embrace the joys that come from entering an new phase in life, I must first experience the sadness and grieve.   

I'm not exactly sure what that will look like.

Missing Home

Home.

A word so pregnant with meaning and emotion.

Whatever image or emotion that word evokes, there is a an underlying current that tugs at all our hearts, without exception.

Longing.

Longing for peace.  Longing for love.  Longing to belong.  Longing to be safe.  Longing to be surrounded by and connected to people with whom we can share all these things.  Longing for everything that home should be.

Longing for something that we'll never completely experience here on earth.

That seems terribly depressing, like unrequited love.  Having something you desire but cannot achieve.

And it is depressing to live in the heart-rending pangs of unfulfilled longing.  But some of us have a hope.  And for those of us with this hope, it is the only thing that keeps the longing from driving us mad.

We have a HOME.  A home of perfect peace, love and safety.  A home where we belong and where we will be surrounded by a family, more vast and diverse than we can imagine, bonded together in complete oneness of heart.

We do belong somewhere.  We do have a family.  We do have a loving Father.  We will be at rest there someday.  And then our longing will be entirely fulfilled, beyond even our own awareness of what we longed for and how deeply the core of ourselves longed for it.

We will be complete.  Longing is the admission that we are lacking.  We will no longer lack...anything.

This is our hope.  The hope that Jesus is making a home for us and that he can also make us fit for that home.
"Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."  Hebrews 11:16
I do not like the longing.  But it does not cause me to despair.  I have hope.  I have a home.  I can anticipate the absolute fulfillment of all my longings.  I can live with that.  I can live for that.

Acknowledging the longing and anticipating the realization of Home.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Tongue-tied


I knew this would happen, and it has been such a curious experience.  It has happened before, but not to this extent.  I have been tongue-tied for the last several days.  I am recently arrived for a visit in Senegal, West Africa after having lived in Okinawa, Japan for the last two and a half years.  In Senegal they use French as a common language to communicate.  I grew up in Haiti, which is also French-speaking.  Although I never mastered French, I can comprehend a lot of it and speak a bit of it.  I should, therefore, conceivably be able to draw on those reservoirs of language knowledge to assist me in communicating with the Senegalese I meet...

Perhaps some people have the capacity to rapidly and methodically cycle through the languages in their heads to land on exactly the language they want to use for that precise moment, but I have not yet acquired that skill.  And perhaps that skill is only developed as needed.  I have never needed it.  Having only ever really spoken two languages, merely dabbling in others, I rarely have cause for confusion when selecting from the foreign language section of my brain.  

The first time I experienced foreign-language-brain-confusion was while visiting the Dominican Republic from Haiti.  It was so hard to refrain from speaking Kreyol and to search for that Spanish-class vocabulary.  Kreyol was at the fore-front of the foreign language section of my brain.  I was surprised to find that now true of Japanese.  

This should not be any wonder to me after being immersed in Japanese for nearly three years, but I feel as if I have not really been able to learn much Japanese while working in Okinawa.  I did not formally study Japanese, except for a few free classes for a couple months after I had been there a year.  And my job was not one that required me to speak Japanese to be able to perform it.  I did not feel as if I made much progress in Japanese.

Perhaps I should have realized my progress when I was able to follow my kids’ conversations and answer their questions or comment on their stories, which had all been spoken in Japanese.  Or perhaps when I could answer parent’s questions even though they hadn’t been directed to me, since they asked in Japanese.  Or when I sometimes understood better if my co-workers just explained in Japanese rather than using broken English.  I should have realized when I would skype my parents in Haiti and had to sift through the Japanese in my head to find the Kreyol to greet my Haitian friends.  

I finally did realized when I arrived in Senegal and was completely tongue-tied.  My mind may not  have the ability to rapidly cycle through languages, but it does recognize the wrong language fast enough to prevent me from verbalizing it in the wrong context.  When I went searching for my scraps of French, all I encountered was Japanese.  Unbeknownst to me, Japanese had taken over as the primary foreign language in my brain so that is all my brain threw at me whenever I struggled to find words to convey my thoughts in French.  (After Japanese it would switch to Kreyol, which wasn’t any more helpful and actually more complicated to distinguish from French.)

I have never been so thoroughly tongue-tied, and yet strangely proud of it.  I hate not being able to articulate my thoughts as I would like to when I already sort of know a language, but I am surprised and delighted that I could know enough Japanese that it would impede my more proficient languages.  I often picture in my mind the expressions on everyone’s faces if I ever let slip a word in Japanese instead of French or Kreyol.  :)  But perhaps with all the African languages mixed in here, they wouldn’t much care.  

They did ask me to say a greeting in Japanese for them to all hear.  It was odd because as I said it, I tried to imagine what it would be like for them to hear it.  But it sounded so normal to me that it seemed rather dull and anti-climactic.  It’s like when you tell people you don’t think you have an accent because you can’t hear your own.  Hearing the Japanese did not sound strange or novel to me.  It just sounded like something I’ve been saying and hearing every day for the last two and half years, simply normal.      

*Two observations I want to make note of briefly:
I am amazed at how my brain has subconsciously, yet actively paid attention to the phrases and words spoken in French that coincide with Kreyol.  It’s like my brain has been going, “Oh, I recognize that, but I didn’t know that was used in French.  Let me now catalog that under French as well since I know that I can use those words and they will be understood.”

I am also rather amazed and slightly concerned at how quickly the French/Kreyol has come back.  I am glad to know it’s there and I can understand it as well as cobble a few semi-intelligible things together in order to communicate.  But I am worried that any Japanese I have will quickly vanish.  I don’t know how deeply embedded the Japanese is and I’m afraid the all too brief imprint it has had will rapidly vanish.  I do not want that to be the case.  Will I be able to switch back and pick it up again as easily as the French and Kreyol came back?  No, I doubt it, but perhaps the freshness of it will last me until I can give it more attention again.       

My Strange Brain


I had the weirdest experience on my flight from Japan to America via Canada.  I was flying Air Canada, so everything was announced in English and French.  Naturally my brain processed the English announcements without thought.  Then when the announcements came on in French, my brain quickly recognized the language I had been surrounded by growing up.  

However, about five minutes later they decided to get on again and make the announcements in a third language.  For several seconds my brain could not process what language it was hearing.  I was literally dumbfounded.  Not because I didn’t recognize it or couldn’t understand it.  On the contrary, it was too familiar.  

At first I couldn’t register whether or not it was English.  It sounded so familiar to me that it seemed as if it could be English.  But then my brain registered the fact that I didn’t really understand what was being said so it jumped over to the foreign language options in my brain.  But I immediately knew it wasn’t French because it felt too fresh and familiar, and it’s been years since I’ve been around any French.  Besides by that time my brain had begun to get in gear and stop just spinning its tires.  I was able, at last to identify the language as Japanese.

This may not seem like much of a story and the whole thing was over in a matter of seconds in my head.  But I cannot describe to you the the extreme bewilderment I first felt when I heard the Japanese announcement and could not decipher what language I was hearing.  My amazement is not in the fact that my brain could not identify the foreign language, we’ve all heard languages we don’t understand or recognize.  But I find it fascinating that my brain seriously could not determine whether or not I was hearing English for several seconds.  When we hear other languages, even if we understand them, we can generally distinguish them from our first language.  It was a strange and fascinating experience to have something sound as familiar to me as English and yet be foreign.

It made me realize just how immersed I have been in Japanese over the past two years and nine months.  The majority of the time the only English I heard was the English I was speaking myself, or the broken English my kids were using with me.  Granted, as a teacher, I was the one talking most of the time, but I still heard my kids playing in Japanese all day long, every day.  And I listened to their words more acutely than I was aware of, not so much in an effort to learn Japanese as in an effort to monitor that their communication with each other was kind and respectful and appropriate for school.  

I picked up a lot of Japanese, more than I consciously acknowledge.  I had good friends to help me and teach me when I had questions, but mostly I just listened, and listened a lot.  And after listening to Japanese for nearly three years straight, it was as familiar to me as English although it remains more foreign to me than French or Kreyol.       

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Murder Mystery Dinner Fundraiser

On Saturday I was asked to participate in a Murder Mystery Dinner which was a fundraiser for my church's missions trip to Thailand.  They needed someone to act the part of Rumpelstiltskin.


For those of you who do not know about Murder Muster Dinners, they are basically a themed party where everyone may choose to dress up or not.  Upon arriving you are given envelops containing your characters information and objectives.  It may give you specific information that no one else has or prompts you to go seek information from certain characters.  You are also given a stack of bills with which to bribe and connive information out of people.  There are however several main character around whom the story is based and these characters must be dressed up and in character the whole time.  (I was one of these.)  At some point in the evening, usually after dinner and dessert, one of the main characters is "murdered" and thus the task of uncovering the killer.

Our dinner was:

And was therefore a fairy tale theme.  I was impressed with the costumes the main characters had made and put together.
Belle, Rapunzel and Snow White

Snow White and Prince Charming

Belle and the Beast

Rapunzel and Hansel (from Hansel and Gretel)
These couples from my church did a great job and it made it so fun to be a part of the evening.  I haven't done anything like acting in a long time and it was a blast.